Outrage fatigue, spinning wheels and other crap.

I haven’t done too much creative work lately. I have been busy with this training program for Medical Billing and Coding. I had to redo all the training because the online class via IPFW was really crap. They simply just outsourced it to one of those for profit places where I wasn’t able to get a hold of anyone to ask questions. Even though I got all high scores on the quizzes and tests, it had me woefully ill prepared for the licence exam. When I bought the review book, I was furious at the knowledge gaps that class had.  Now I am at Harper College, where the instructors are great and they care about the students. I also made some awesome friends to study with. Some of the classes are review, which is good so it can help me with the stuff that is new.

What can I say about all the bullshit that’s been going on in my country (USA) lately? Wow. The campaigns leading up to the 2016 elections were brutal and dirty.  It made me not even want to watch the news or peek onto most social media. However, I had this hope that once Hilary Clinton was elected, things will calm down. I was disgusted when that Orange Anus won. I was sobbing and in hysterics.  I felt unsafe. I am a disabled Jewish woman. Trump supporters hate people like me. I felt scared for my friends who aren’t WASPy cis-gendered heterosexual men.  My friends who had long term sobriety cracked and had the case of the “fuck its.”  Friends who had  long recovery time with mental illness crumbled. It was, and still is a scary thing to see.  Some managed to regain some of their sobriety and mental health, albeit are still shaky.  Even though it’s been about a year and a half ago, the pain is still raw and it still feels scary.

Now I am hearing about kids being separated from their parents as they are trying to get asylum away from violence in their home countries.  I really don’t understand how anyone can be okay with this.  I just don’t get it. I have contacted my reps, which in my area was like preaching to the choir. I live in the Chicagoland area and my reps are already fighting pissed off about what is going on and are pushing back against the cowardly Republicans. If any Republican people don’t like me saying that, then you need to reel in your party away from that hateful right wing fringe that’s taken it over and at least bring it back to Eisenhower style!  If you are okay with Nazi behaviors and violence, then I really don’t want to have anything to do with you.

So yeah. The heavy feelings from all that plus health stuff just has been making me not too motivated to do art stuff. Hopefully soon. We’ll see.  Maybe once my sinus surgery is out of the way. I can’t wait to have that over and done with. Hopefully it will help me breathe better and reduce those obnoxious migraines.

What’s new with all of you?

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Suicide is NOT painless and it does bring so many changes…

I have lost quite a few people to suicide. It is one of the most gut wrenching way to lose somebody.  It can make you forever beat yourself up wondering what you could have done. What signs did you miss? Why didn’t you KNOW that the person was suffering so much that s/he felt that suicide was the only way out.  Sadly, we’re not psychics. Some people are extremely good at hiding pain.  Logically you can know this, but that emotional vulnerable part of your psyche takes a TON of convincing.

This is one of the best articles I’ve read about suicide.

This bit is HUGE: The capability comes by being habituated to harm.

“Physical or sexual abuse as a child, combat exposure, and domestic abuse can also ‘prep’ the individual for the physical pain associated with suicidal behavior,” Bering writes, noting how specific the preparation can be. “For example, a study on suicides in the U.S. military branches found that guns were most frequently associated with Army personnel suicides, hanging and knots for those in the Navy, and falling and heights were more common for those in the Air Force.”

People who come from abusive backgrounds or who have experienced combat either as a soldier or civilian are at risk because they’ve grown accustomed to being harmed. When you’ve been brutalized, you come to expect more brutality. When it comes from abuse from family or churches, it can make you feel like you are less than human and unfit to live. When it comes to soldiers, it comes from the horror of having to take a life and unable to process that. When it comes to war victims, it can make one want to escape all that pain and perhaps a world that is so cruel that you’re afraid to live in it. This is huge because if we KNOW a person has had these experiences, we KNOW that we have to especially reach out to them. We have to keep a loving, watchful eye. We have to ALWAYS ALWAYS let them know that they are loved, they’re not burdens and they matter. People like that can easily think that they’re nothing but burdens on their loved ones and falsely believe that killing themselves would be a relief to everyone. WHICH IS NOT TRUE! IT WILL ONLY MAKE THEM QUESTION WHAT THEY DID WRONG (nothing wrong) AND WONDER WHAT THEY COULD HAVE DONE TO STOP IT!

Robin Williams had a double whammy against him when he committed suicide.  It’s long known that he suffered from bipolar disorders which gave him some seriously crushing depressions.  He was also given a devastating and horrifying diagnosis.  Lewy Body, Alzheimer’s and other dementia related illnesses ARE terrifying. I know from experience that it is a horrifying thing to watch loved ones succumb to these. I can’t even IMAGINE what it is like to BE the person suffering.

I’m sorry my first post of the New Year isn’t chipper and happy.  I’m not deeply depressed right now, so that’s not why I’m sharing this article and my thoughts. I just KNOW what it is like to suffer from that crushing depressing and feeling like I am a burden and people would rather not have me around.  Depression is a lying sack of shit. It’s like one of those charismatic dooms day cult leaders that feels so convincing.

Let’s really look out for each other and be empathetic this year.