The Secret Life of Chronic Pain

Being someone who has had chronic pain for many years, my pain scale is a bit warped. That’s why I have a hard time answering a doctor’s pain scale questions. I say “A normal person’s pain scale or mine?” My daily pain scale is at a “normal person’s” 4 usually. If I’m lucky, maybe it’s a “normal person’s” 2.  A 5 or 6 for me would be an 7 or 8 for a normie. Sometimes it’s hard for me to know when to get my ass to a doctor or ER.
So what’s my secret?
Part of this is genetics. My Grandpa Taylor (maternal grandfather) had Wolverine’s pain tolerance. My mother also has some of that X-men mutant pain tolerance. It’s what makes us overdo it and really end up doing a lot of harm to ourselves.
Another thing is that I’ve become a pro at pushing pain away, or just super focusing on something to make it less noticeable. This is especially true for the ulcerative colitis related stuff. When I have that kind of pain, I can’t concentrate on high intellect stuff like school work, but I SUPER focus on pointless silly apps. It’s not that I DON’T feel the pain. It’s that I can bear down and hyper-focus on something else. I’ve had many, many years of practice.
Well, some pains you just can’t do shit no matter what.. Kidney stones are the limit. That’s the WORST type of pain EVER. Women say that it hurts worse than childbirth even. That’s a 10 on my pain scale. I just try my best to concentrate on breathing, but I can’t do much. I just zone out, barf and shiver.

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Long hiatus, hospital hi-jinx.

I have made two trips to the hospital for a colitis flare and c. diff infection. =( It’s been frustrating.  I did do some artwork (mostly fiber art) before this happened and I will post photos of them once I am not totally useless on the couch. I am pretty weak because I’m not absorbing nutrients well.  Hey, that’s one way to lose weight, eh?

I have some dye projects going on. I bought four white cotton skirts from Mexicali Blues. I’ve already dyed them with Rit.  Once I get over this health crap, they will be embroidered and/or appliqued as wearable art skirts.

I also bought two white cotton tunic shirts. They will be dyed as well. Since they already have detail work on them I may just dye them or perhaps I may add beadwork. I’m thinking of replacing the ribbon with something more festive.

I just hope I can function well enough in my classes so that I don’t have to drop them. =( If this current round of antibiotics doesn’t cut it, I will be admitted to the hospital and have hardcore antibiotics dripped into my veins.

 

We Weren’t That Resilient

I have to say that as a generation, Gen X tends to be pretty mean spirited and judgmental. They also have this “oh screw it, nothing is going to get better” attitude. I also read that middle age (that’s where we are now) people have a higher rate of suicide and more die of suicide than car accidents.

I also notice that Gen X tends to have a lot of addiction problems. SO many of my peers are either still in addiction mode or even died.

I don’t really have too much nostalgia about my teens and twenties. Or even my thirties. They weren’t happy times at all.  The only thing I may feel a smidge nostalgic for is Britpop. While most of my peers were listening to the “I hate myself and want to die” Grunge music, I was listening to the more quaint and quirky Britpop. I do not say this as a “I’m an elitist snob and refuse to do the American mainstream” thing. It was a matter of survival for me. If I listened to Grunge, my depression would have been a billion times worse. I couldn’t afford to listen to the “I hate myself and want to die” shit. That’s pretty much why I gravitated over to Britpop. It was lifesaver for me.

Well I did have my Goth phase and still like Goth music. I ran into some really awful people in that scene (but a lot of cool people too). I had to get out of that scene to get away from people who treated me poorly.

The thing is, Gen-X really doesn’t have a leg up on Millennials. A lot of the toxic shit that some Millennials do really aren’t new at all. I’ve seen a lot of that behavior in Gen-X as well. In fact, I think the not caring about things and drowning in apathy started with us. I am not sure why.

 

 

 

 

 

Source: We Weren’t That Resilient

Long neglected blog!

Has it been a year since I’ve actually written in this thing?  I’ve been really busy with that job (which I had to resign). I also got married at Disney on July 11. =)

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That’s my bouquet. It’s still in the process of being preserved. I didn’t want to include a photo of my husband and I together on this public of a forum because we both have psychotic exes who may make an appearance and make things ugly.  I don’t understand why people can’t let go and not cause problems.

I  didn’t really do much creative stuff. =(  I just made two flower hair pins and an Evil Eye flower clip.

 

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Having Lupus and working really odd hours at the emergency room really did a number on my health.  It manifests as attacks on my lungs and joints. It got to the point where it was getting difficult to walk and breathe. Asthma+Lupus attack on lungs=lots of coughing and gasping.  Nurses would flock to me and ask me if I want to be seen by one of the doctors. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the doctors where I work. They’re awesome people, but I really didn’t want the hassle of sitting in a room and waiting to be seen.  They wouldn’t just let me wait at my desk until a doctor could see me. I had to go to an actual room.

I’ve been in a really bummed out mood since Cheeto Mussolini had been elected. =( I was shocked when Trump won. It’s been pretty scary since.  I’ve had friends who have been attacked for being LGBT, POC, disabled, female, etc.  I’ve been called “Deaf Bitch.” I also had people ask my coworkers “Why did you hire a handicapped girl for the ER?”  One of my friends wound up in the ICU from being beaten.  I don’t really like to rattle on about political stuff on my blog or other social media (what can I say that hasn’t already been said?), but I am definitely scared about what’s to come.

I do plan on taking classes in creative stuff.  I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit and crochet.  I plan on taking sewing classes so I can improve on my skills. My mother is a master seamstress. She can look at anything, create a pattern for it and MAKE IT!  I’m nowhere near as talented as my mother with that. She’s truly amazing.

I had to drop my sign language class because of the demands of the ER registrar job. =( I was really bummed out about it. I loved my classmates and adored my professor. I am going to pick that back up in the fall.

I’ve moved all my art and sewing stuff from the spare room to the basement. It makes sense to do that. We need an actual guest room.  There is also more room for things in the basement. It’s also right by the washing machine, so I can prewash all my fabrics and be right there. The ironing board stuff is also right there permanently, so I don’t have to lug everything upstairs to iron seams. It gets a little cold, but it makes the creative stuff more convenient. Right now it’s a bloody mess down there and I am still trying to figure out where to put everything. Once I have it nice and set up, I shall take piccies.

So, dear readers? What has been going on with you? What has been inspiring you?  Please share your experiences.

 

 

How People Use ‘Forgiveness’ To ‘Shame’ Abuse Survivors.

This is very important. I know that too many religious types (of all faiths) DEMAND that you forgive abusive people. Sometimes abusers use religion to abuse others and then turn around and say “Now you have to forgive me because God says.”

That’s a load of bullshit. You don’t owe anyone forgiveness. You don’t owe anyone your time if they’re going to be horrible to you.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

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I see this occurring, all too often.

Religious people, can be the worst for this. I’ve heard many toxic and abusive statements, like ‘God won’t forgive you of your sins, if you don’t forgive your abusers’, ‘all sins are equal’. ‘I’ve forgiven, so should you’. Which is highly abusive to state.

This is all ‘shame-shifting’.

The only person that does need to feel shame, is the abuser. They do need to feel appropriate shame about their actions. They do need to feel remorse about the harm they caused. They need to seek to do what is necessary, to deal with it appropriately. Like be honest and tell the truth. Be honest about their motivations.

And if they did all this, they would not expect or demand anything from the victim. They would know the victim needs to deal with their healing, how the victim needs. They would know the victim…

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Been super busy lately

I got a new job at a local hospital in the administrative bits.  The training is intense and there’s so much to remember. I think it will be just a matter of practice and not beating myself up.

I haven’t done much art stuff because I’ve been occupied with the job training. I hope to get back to it all very soon.